May 5, 2020
Brian noticed that his closest friend, the guy he spent the majority of his time with in four years of college, had been distant the last few weeks of their final year. When he asked about it, his friend said: "I just don't want to hang out with you anymore. You're kind of an asshole."
Ouch.
He didn't change overnight, of course. At first he was committed to being defensive, angry, hurt. But after a couple of years of self-reflection, Brian Miller realized he had some work to do.
He wasn't always an asshole. As a matter of fact, he was so shy no one could possibly have called him that. No one knew him well enough to insult him in that way. But due to his shyness and severe social anxiety, his peers had plenty of other words to use to insult, demean, and bully him.
Brian told me that magic saved his life.
His father and grandfather had always been obsessed with magic and magic tricks. They took Brian to shows, learned their own tricks, and spent time enjoying everything about that form of entertainment. When Brian turned 13, he also picked up a few magic tricks.
One day as he sat eating lunch at the same table as some other non-popular kids (not with them, really, just sitting at the same table), he asked a few if they wanted to see a magic trick.
They did.
That was it. That was the beginning of Brian's journey toward asshole behavior. Within weeks, he became "that kid who does cool magic tricks", and was suddenly someone his peers found interesting enough to spend time with. He was invited to parties, and even went out with some girls.
But none of his relationships lasted very long. He started to believe his own hype.
Brian said that happens, especially with younger people who suddenly find themselves shifting from invisible to famous. They fall into the trap of ego, and any criticism becomes "he's just jealous", and "she just doesn't understand."
It can take decades, if it happens at all, for people like that to start to see their own role in their unhappiness and dissatisfaction in life. They don't lean into self-reflection until they've already damaged almost every relationship - if they ever lean into it.
But Brian did. A couple of years out of college, he had started his own business as an entertaining magician, and slowly morphed that business into his current speaking, writing, and coaching business. He's a natural when it comes to marketing and entrepreneurial enterprise.
What I found especially inspiring in our conversation was the simple acknowledgement Brian had to make in order to move forward toward healthy, satisfying relationships: I have a role in my dissatisfaction. I can change. I can find happiness.
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Brian Miller is a globetrotting magician-turned speaker who works with organizations who want to create an environment where everyone feels heard, understood, and valued. He is the author of Three New People: Make the Most of Your Daily Interactions and Stop Missing Amazing Opportunities, a personal success guide to connecting with anyone.
Brian’s TEDx talk, “How to Magically Connect with Anyone,” has been viewed over 3 million times worldwide and included on many “Best of TED” lists including “Top 5 TED Talks to Watch Before an Interview” by Kaplan Test Prep.