May 12, 2020
Think about that title for a second. Your Stories Don’t Define
You. Those things that happen in your life are not what define you,
create your identity, and shape your relationships. It’s how you
talk about those things that matters.
When you tell people about the experiences in your life, you shape
those experiences for yourself through subconscious internal
messages. According to researchers at Eastern Washington
University, the stories told about you, in front of you, begin to
shape your identity before you have words. And the stories you tell
about yourself, your personal narrative, are what build on that
identity.
So how do we apply that knowledge as adults to improve our lives
and relationships?
We pay attention to the stories we’re sharing. And we look back at
the incidents and situations that shaped those stories.
My book, Your Stories Don’t Define
You, How You Tell Them Will, is based on what I’ve learned by
hosting more than 100 episodes of this podcast.
Most people cannot easily tell a story about pivotal moments that shaped who they are and how they think. The book is designed to help readers uncover those stories, find the meaning in them, and share them with the right audience at the right time, in order to strengthen relationships, address damaging internal messages, and inspire others through their personal stories.
The ebook is available for preorder online for $0.99 on
Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble from now until
May 31. I encourage you to purchase the ebook to get started, and
then order the paperback from your local bookstore, or visit
bookshop.org to support independent booksellers.
I finished writing this book in November 2019, just a few months
prior to the COVID-19 pandemic, with absolutely no idea how 2020
would transform our global community. In a very short period of
time, thousands lost their lives, millions lost their jobs and
businesses, families were pulled apart and quarantined together,
and the global economy realized how tightly connected we really
are. As communities, we saw healthcare workers sainted,
bullied, and celebrated when entire cities howled like wolves
during shift changes to recognize them for the risks they were
taking to care for our sick.
Meanwhile, many of us hunkered down to shelter-in-place, faced with
daily uncertainty of our health, our jobs, school closures, and
being barraged with moment-by-moment shifts in the news about the
short and long-term impacts of this pandemic.
People have found ways to cope, of course, and there have been
beautiful stories of families reconnecting and spending quality
time together making meals, taking walks, and reading together.
For me, a huge 50th birthday celebration was planned for April
18, 2020, complete with friends and family coming to Montana from
all over the country. It didn’t happen, of course. What happened
instead was a gorgeous hike with a friend – with appropriate social
distancing, a virtual wine tasting, a brief paddle around in a
nearby lake with a new kayak, a surprise Zoom birthday toast with
friends and family from all over the world, some heartfelt, amazing
video birthday messages, and a Facebook Live performance of a
few songs by me and my husband, Bob.
When I had time to think about the events of the weekend, I found
them truly inspiring. And while I was disappointed not to celebrate
the way I intended, the stories we created together for this big
birthday were probably more significant, more life-altering than if
things had gone the way we planned. Instead of focusing on the
disappointment, I lived each experience in the reality of the
moment.
That’s what the book is about, finding out that the stories of the
things that happen in our lives are significant,
far more than the things that didn’t happen in our
lives.
Some have called this time The Great Pause. One friend described
his bike ride in a city north of London: “I could have ridden on
either side of the street, it was so deserted. And the air. The air
was crisp and fresh, I’ve never smelled it like this here.”
I have great empathy for the students and young adults whose lives
were so disrupted in their final year of school, I cannot imagine
the depth of disappointment in missing the major experiences they
were expecting to have: Prom, graduation, parties, goodbyes, all of
those “this is the last time…” moments. Those disappointments feel
so big right now, and I can tell you they will pale in comparison
to the adventures that await you.
Please take time now to begin collecting stories of this
experience, to remember the details of incidents and situations
that you can look back at, to see how pivotal they were in how you
see yourself and how you see your future. Consider the tragic loss
of life, and the courageous acts of our healthcare and service
workers, and also the smaller acts that made a difference, like the
many who took up the call to sew masks for themselves and others
and neighbors delivering food to each other. Reflect on your
stories of this time in the context of the stories of the people
around you.
You’ve heard people ask each other: “Where were you on 9/11?” “Do
you remember what you were doing when you heard the news
about…?”
In the future, people will ask you those questions about your time
during the COVID-19 pandemic. I hope as you think about your
experiences during this time, that you begin to collect details of
some specific moments, conversations, walks, time you spent with
your kids, your partner, your fur babies, in the kitchen, or on
video calls. Take time periodically to jot down notes, the way
you’re feeling, your thoughts, and how you spend your precious
days.
“People have lived through historically significant events and
forces, like WW2 & the Great Depression, the 1918 flu epidemic,
etc., and I find great comfort in this knowledge and
understanding.” Martha Kohl
The Montana Historical Society has been collecting the stories of
individual Montanans for decades, including letters written by and
to individuals across the state from the time settlers began making
their lives here. These letters, archived for future generations to
read and learn from have offered a unique perspective for students,
giving important context to the history they’re learning and
reading about in school.
When our younger son was a freshman in high school, his drama class
performed letters from that collection, written by and for
Montanans from our territorial days up to around the time of the
Gulf War. It was an incredible opportunity for them and for the
audience, especially the Q&A session with the students
following the performance. Many of them mentioned how much more
meaningful the study of history was when they could touch and feel
real people’s experiences like that. Martha, the program
coordinator for that class, said: “They recognized themselves as
actors in history, and that their behavior and choices matter.”
The Historical Society has shifted this brilliant collection to
address our current situation by creating a survey asking people
about their experiences in the time of this pandemic. The agency
will archive the stories of everyday citizens, offering an
extraordinary glimpse into the past for future generations, giving
context to the world news and making it more relevant with
specific stories and incidents.
This is the time, my friends, to consider the stories you will
share in the future, because YOUR stories, the ones you make right
now, are what will give our collective future meaning, and will
give context to the suffering, joy, and transformation we will see
as a result of those experiences.
Do not waste this opportunity. Because it’s not what happens to you
that shapes your identity and your relationships. It’s how you talk
about it.
The book is available for
preorder NOW. on Amazon or Barnes & Noble. The ebook will
be just $.99 until the book’s launch on May 31st. A portion of each
book preordered will be donated to the Prickly
Pear Land Trust, a Helena, Montana-based non-profit devoted to
preserving open land and recreation opportunities for everyone. Why
PPLT? Because the open lands in my neighborhood have provided
endless inspiration for me and my writing, and I am so grateful,
especially now, for the people who continue to create a
collaborative structure to preserve those spaces.
Please visit
Amazon.com,
Barnes & Noble, to preorder the book before May 31st, or visit
bookshop.org to purchase the book after May 31st.
